Rachel Grubb Interviews Mr. J

The site this interview was originally on no longer exists; however Jokersgirl had copied and pasted the interview in a personal file for safe-keeping. She was kind enough to share the interview with us.

Rachel Grubb, the lady who braved the horrors of Arkham to land the interview of a lifetime, recently contacted us to let us know that she’s still alive and well, and has preserved her interview with Patient #4479 at a new location.  You can find it at The Chainsaw Mafia!


My interview with the Joker at Arkham Asylum
Posted on 01 March 2009 by Rachel Grubb

Perhaps you’re one of the many followers anxiously awaiting his next task, or maybe you just have a morbid fascination with him. Either way, you’re one of the many who can’t wait to see another one of the Joker’s therapy sessions that have mysteriously appeared in youtube:  http://www.youtube.com/thejokerblogs

Since his capture, the Joker has been under the care of Dr Harleen Quinzel in Arkham Asylum. The authorities at Arkham were kind enough to let me speak to him, and he agreed to an interview. Dr. Quinzel had to be there,of course, for security purposes. We had a wonderful chat about his stay at Arkham, and his newly acquired internet fame. I would like to thank everyone at Arkham Asylum for allowing to me to come and interview the Joker, as especially Dr Quinzel for her cooperation.

Rachel: Thank you for granting me this interview. For purposes of this interview, what would you like me to call you?

Dr. Quinzel: It’s the hospital’s policy to refer to the inmates by their patient numbers. In his case, Patient 4479.

Joker: Yeah. Unfortunately… I’ve been told to go along with that. What’s in a name anyways? In the end, all it’s really good for is telling us apart from the other… dead bodies. Oh, and I’m happy to give this interview to everyone out there at Chainsaw Mafia. I’m looking forward to seeing what kind of questions a woman with a BA in writing from The College of St. Catherine will ask me. Oh yes, I did my homework, sweetheart.

Rachel: Uh oh! You’ve discovered my sordid past as a Catholic School girl!  What else did you dig up about me?

Joker: Well… Now I know it was sordid.

Rachel: So we’ve been following some of your therapy sessions on youtube. How are you enjoying your stay at Arkham?

Dr. Quinzel: All our patients are treated with the utmost-

Joker: Listen, Doc. This is… my interview. Ok? (He takes a deep breath)  All the patients, including me, are treated with the utmost… What was that word… Respect. That’s it. Arkham reminds me a lot of going home for the holidays. You start going through a routine thats familiar. You see a lot of people that you haven’t seen in forever and most of them you hate. All the food is free and after fighting with the people, you start to have thoughts of killing them all. Like I said before, it’s my kinda place. I like it here. Five stars. Gonna hate it when I have to leave.

Dr. Quinzel: Well, leaving is what we’re working towards. As his doctor, my goal is to complete his rehabilitation and possibly his release.

Joker: Really? If I were you, I’d never let me out.

Rachel: How do you like your doctor?

Joker: I was worried they were going to hand me off to some… stuffy, antiquated, pill-pushers. One of those Freudian thumb-suckers with an Oedipus obsession. And lucky me, they gave me a newcomer. (to Quinzel) I am your first… right? At least, that’s what she told me. And except for that one session, which… frankly didn’t go so well, I’ve enjoyed it quite a bit. We make a good team. But my favorite thing about her is her name.

Dr. Quinzel: Why’s that?

Joker: You’ll find out when you’re ready.

Rachel: I’m just curious. Do you always crunch your pills? Because I do that, too, and people tell me I should stop.

Joker: It’s funny. I have nothing to compare that too. This is the first time I’ve taken pills. Well… that’s not entirely true. When I was little I used to chew those… cartoon cavemen vitamins. All of them at once. Then I moved on to stronger stuff. Tums, cough-drops, and alka seltzer tablets until I was foaming at the mouth like a rabid puppy. Oh, but I’m not advocating chewing harmful and dangerous drugs, kiddies. (He pauses reflectively) Take those with a tall glass of water. It’s easier.

Dr. Quinzel: He doesn’t mean that.

Joker: Sure I do. Oh and if you like crunching down pills, don’t listen to them saying that you should stop. People will try and tell you to stop doing everything. Usually the reason is that it will give you cancer.    Technically if you live long enough, just about anything will give you cancer. The moral of this story is… Don’t live long enough to get cancer.

Dr. Quinzel: That really isn’t a very good moral.

Rachel: So…why the makeup? I mean, don’t get me wrong, it looks cool. I’m just interested in knowing why you wear it.

Joker: The make up? Well, that’s to cover up these hideous scars.

Rachel: So here’s the question on everyone’s mind–How did you get those scars?

Joker: You know, when I was a kid growing up… I wasn’t very patient.  Especially on my birthdays. Ya see, mommy was baking this cake. And she was mixing up the frosting with one of those electric mixers. She gets a phone call and leaves me all alone in the kitchen. And I just couldn’t wait to lick the beaters. But she didn’t unplug the mixer. And… yeah. Electric mixers can be dangerous. You think once would be enough to teach me a lesson, but no. Happened twice. Both cheeks.

Dr. Quinzel: Wait, that’s not what you told me.

Rachel: How are you enjoying your newly aquired internet fame?

Dr. Quinzel: I have to make it clear to your readers that we do not condone what’s been happening on youtube. Those leaked sessions violate everything the staff at Arkham have been working towards, not to mention the doctor/patient relationship. And I can only hope that the authorities at the Gotham Police Department find out whoever is doing this.

Joker: I just wish some of those commenters learned how to spell.

Rachel: How are you handling all the fangirls? They’re very fond of you, it seems.

Joker: Ya know. I’m a fun loving kinda guy. And I’m single. What’s there not to enjoy about having an army of crazed, impressionable, and rebellious fangirls awaiting orders at my beck and call. Or maybe that’s just me. But think of the changes, the impact that could have. *smiles* No telling what we might do…

Rachel: Ah, so you are single. The girls all wanted me to ask that.  Speaking of which, my good friend Jasmine is a big fan. She was so jealous I got to interview you. Unfortunately, Arkham security wouldn’t allow me to bring anyone with me. Would you mind taking a moment to say hello to her?

Joker: Sure. (He takes a deep breath) Hello Jasmine.

Rachel: Is there anything you really want your fans to know about you?

Joker: I think the less someone knows about a person the better. Much more mysterious that way. Better to find out when it’s just too late. For example, look what happened to that Bruce Wayne fellow. When I was…invited to a campaign party of his, I took him for an easy going guy. But then I saw him throw quite a temper tantrum the other week on the news.  But that’s understandable. It’s stressful, that kind of life.  And I’m sure my party-favors didn’t help. I guess if you’re gonna have a party at the Wayne household you have to expect your either going to get insulted by a drunk host, harassed by a clown, or see the place get burned to the ground. It’s never boring in Gotham.

Rachel: So what’s next for the Joker? What are your goals?

Joker: Oh I never think that far ahead. Takes all the fun out of life.  Look at those, busy-bodies that schedule everything out on their computers, calenders, and blackberries. Boring. No imagination. It’s like
getting invited to a party at the end of a work week. Sure you can map out what you’re going to do, what to wear, even what you’re going to say. But, chances are… Nothing is going to go according to plan.  Better to just see what happens and roll with the punches. Or gunshots, depending on where you live. Adapt. Don’t suffer from Friday-Night-Party-Syndrome. No.

Rachel: What about the Batman? Have you had any thoughts of him since you’ve been caught? He helped bring you in, didn’t he?

Joker: Nobody helped bring me in. Let’s be clear on that, shall we. But yes, I’m sure I think about Bats as much as he thinks about me. I think it’s funny. All the attention that I’m getting cooped up in here. And no
one has seen or heard from the Batman in months. I kinda hope he gets out of whatever cave he crawled into and checks himself in here at Arkham.  Think of the fun that could be had.

Rachel: How soon will we get to see another video?

Dr. Quinzel: Again, we’re making sure no more video-taped sessions will be leaked.

Joker: What she means is, it’s getting harder and harder to sneak them past security. We’re having to be sneakier. It’s good. Keeps me on my toes thinking up new ways to outsmart these medical goons. But keep checking.  You’re not going to wanna miss what happens next.

Dr. Quinzel: What?

Joker: Nothing. Don’t worry. You’ll be the first to know, Puddin’.

Rachel: Any last words?

Joker: Last words? That sounds so… ominous. So definite. At any moment what we say could be our last words. I can remember this guy I knew, Steve was his name. His last words were ‘Aghhhh!’ Do you think he ever would have guessed that in a million years? No. And for that matter what does ‘Aghhhh!’ even mean? But, I was told that I needed to say thank you, uh…um… Rachel? Rachel, that’s it.

Rachel: Yes. I’m Rachel.

Joker: Thank you for listening. I like these interviews. Always a pleasure to impose my views on others. Oh, and when I break out of here. I’ll definitely have to pick up a copy of your magazine.

Rachel: Actually, it’s going on a website. Not a magazine.

Joker: Well, in that case I may have to break into your house and use your computer.